Uncyclopedia: The Tragically Hip

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The Tragically Hip is a self-help support group founded in 1983 as an oasis for sufferers of debilitating personal magnetism.

Gordon Downie's bed in the morning.  That's his head squashed there next to last night's leftover fish.
Gordon Downie’s bed in the morning. That’s his head squashed there next to last night’s leftover fish.

For those without comedic tastes, theso-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Tragically Hip.

History of the Movement

Gordon the Conqueror

In 1982, Gord Downie was just another anonymous resident of Kingston, Ontario. Or at least he would have been, had he not been so inordinately cool.

Mornings were the worst, beginning with the process of extracting himself from the tangled limbs of female admirers who clamoured for the scant space of his king-sized bed on a nightly basis. At first he would go to great lengths to carefully slip out and away, like the loser in a game of Twister. But this could take hours, and most times would still result in two, sometimes three of his overnight guests waking up and pestering him with pleas for sex while he was busy shaving or brushing his teeth.

Practical consideration of the increasing demands on his time eventually prompted a more guerrilla-like approach.

One morning, Gord awoke in the familiar clench of female flesh, carefully surveyed the scene to ensure that everyone was asleep, then abruptly bolted toward the open bathroom door. Deftly he sidestepped the heads and bodies of those subjugated to sleep in the hallway, springing fluidly like a new recruit on a tire obstacle course.

Reaching his destination, he barricaded himself as best he could by locking the door and stuffing the crevice underneath with layer upon layer of maxi pads. Who had bought those? No matter. They adequately stifled the pitiful cries of the unfortunate souls who’d failed to be granted admission to the bed the night before.

Then came a tap on the shoulder, and Gord knew he’d lost. Phil, who’d been curled up in the bathtub was staring back at him. They’d had this discussion time and time before — try it, you’ll never know you don’t like it until you try it. Gord hadn’t the inclination to go down this road again. Grabbing a tension bandage from the medicine cabinet, Gord bound his amorous suitor at the wrists.

“I knew you’d come around,” Phil sighed, a Cheshire cat grin spreading across his face. “I just didn’t know you were so kinky.”

Seeing his chance, Gord dove headlong out of the bathroom window, never to return.

Streetlife

In retrospect, being homeless turned out to be a strategic advantage. While home games had facilitated the return of a dedicated fan-base night after night, life on the road was much quieter. Finding a sponsor willing to host him never represented much challenge. Like the Olympic Games, he had his choice of any number of contenders willing to go that extra mile to be selected.

Sometimes just getting to the washroom can be a chore. 

Sometimes just getting to the washroom can be a chore.

But the morning ritual remained uncomfortably familiar. While the years had passed and he’d learned much, Gord was still unable to perfect the technique of putting socks on with the hands of a jilted lover firmly gripped around both ankles.

Still, the street had its own education. He’d heard about others — men that were suffering the way that he was — men that had come face to face with their own irresistibility and felt unable to cope. There were men like Paul Langlois, whose French accent and roguish good looks made him something akin to Pepé Le Pew after a shower, shave, and surgical gland removal. Along with Rob Baker, Gord Sinclair, and Johnny Fay, the first incarnation of what would go on to be known as The Tragically Hip was born.

Modern Organization

The Tragically Hip provides non-professional, non-material assistance to those overwhelmed with their own wit, charm, and charisma, and the personal burden and societal obligations this entails.

Funded by a grant from The United Way, as well as the life savings of hoards of desperate single women minutes away from becoming spinsters, the organization has become widespread in Canada but failed to achieve much of a foothold in the United States. This isn’t a reflection of the program’s inferiority — quite the opposite. At this moment, thousands of US Analysts are working long hours whittling and watering it down to its most basic elements — as they once did for beer, foreign food, and health care — so that it closer approximates other American cultural staples. Failure to do so could maim, even kill, psychologically. Or so they say.

Treatment

Hip Therapy, as it’s known in colloquial circles, is vast, but here are a few of the major disciplines:

Sharing Circles

After a few years Gord & Co decided they'd had it "up to here" with the constant marriage proposals, paternity suits, product endorsement offers, party invitations, love letters, and other tripe from sad losers desperately in need of a life transplant. 

After a few years Gord & Co decided they’d had it “up to here” with the constant marriage proposals, paternity suits, product endorsement offers, party invitations, love letters, and other tripe from sad losers desperately in need of a life transplant.

Relating personal experiences of oppression by one’s own popularity, as well as listening to the experiences of others, is an essential component of the movement. Everyone can relate to the anxiety felt in knowing that there are more people that want to talk to you than there are minutes in your entire lifetime. Learning to accept the necessity of placing healthy boundaries around your nearly limitless personal potential is the first step to increased happiness. Feel free to grab another well-manicured hand as you take that first step up — which is frightening itself when you consider how much higher you already were above the common herd.

Social Networking

The peace of mind that comes from knowing that help is only a phone call away is almost beyond price. Whether you need a decoy to distract your captivated audience of admirers so you can escape, or just need a caring voice (or some reasonable facsimilie) to assure you you’re not alone, the buddy system works. With the right pairing it can also offer the unique experience of being fascinated by someone other than yourself — and for most members, this is the first time this has ever occurred.

On-line Support Groups

You would be amazed at the number of svelte, attractive, intelligent and financially successful people lurking in chat rooms on the internet. Should you ever feel lonely and your designated buddy is busy staving off a small mob of his own, there is always a replacement available that meets the requirements of your singular calibre. (Because really, why should you go running to his aid when your own immediate needs are so much more personally distressing?) So dial up, login and logon to#HotAndUnder30, and make a new friend. For a few minutes or so. And should you ever have any doubt about that person’s authenticity, tell them to email you a picture. Most users are more than happy to oblige.

For More Information

Visit our website and one of our dedicated volunteers will be happy to assist you… provided that they’re not busy helping someone else, or preening in a mirror, or feeling sorry for themself, or just having an off day and not really feeling up to helping anyone else at the moment, in which case just try back another time.

All New!!!! Check out thehip.com!!!

The site is loaded with great features and products for both regular visitors and Registered Users of thehip.com.

Our new online storefront is called the Gift Shop. It contains all merchandise both new and old.

Several new products include:

The Live From The Vault series.
Album Cover T-Shirts
Lyric T-Shirts

Shiny Bundle, which includes a toque, scarf and puck

A new and improved Music Player that not only looks great, but sounds great too. All site visitors can listen to the Song Of The Day as well as streaming songs from the band’s discography. 

Registered Users of thehip.com can create custom playlists from the entire band discography. These playlists can be updated and voted on by other users. If you have playlist envy, you can select the lists of other users to play for yourself. We will also have a rotation of full shows from the band’s archives available to stream. 

We have created a new Video Player that allows for the playback of all of the band’s music videos. This playback feature streams using mpeg4 files and allows for high resolution full screen viewing. We also have the archive of MAv’s home movies from live shows, backstage and the studio. 

A new Flickr application has been created to allow for a rotation of hundreds of photos. Almost every page of the new site contains this photo feature. There are tons of live concert photos, old promo photos and candid band photos. There is also a feature for fans to upload their photos of the band. 

The Archive section features a variety of band information and facts, including a comprehensive list of past shows, set lists, a database of cities and venues the band has played and all song lyrics. Registered Users can keep track of all the shows they have attended and the songs they have seen performed. This is also where the Hip Story Project resides. The HSP allows fans to tell their personal stories about all things Hip. Great experiences from past shows, how certain songs or albums have helped shape them and a place to recite anecdotes and memories. 

We feel like this site offers a little something for everyone, from the person just curious and checking out the band for the first time, to the casual fan to the hardcore who can’t get enough about The Hip. So pull up a chair and begin your exploring at thehip.com.

Tragically Hip honours music teacher

From Canoe.
By THE CANADIAN PRESS

TORONTO – Amid rapturous applause from students and cheering by members of the Tragically Hip, Alex Voros was honoured Thursday as Canada’s music teacher of the year.

Voros, of Toronto’s Chaminade College School, received the award for his 30 years of work in promoting musical education and for encouraging students of all backgrounds to learn an instrument.

“Whether they’ve played an instrument before, regardless of their musical experience they are welcomed … they have everything that they need to make music,” he said of the school’s music program, and paraphrased a famous Friedrich Nietzsche quote:

“Life without music is a mistake.”

Voros, 60, said he was thrilled to have the Tragically Hip on hand to present the award and listen to the school’s 70-member concert band, which performed the theme song to the film “The Godfather” and a medley of other tunes.

“It means a great deal to have international recording artists, through the presentation of this award, support and advocate for music education,” he told the audience in the school gym.

Alex Voros, who won the MusiCounts Teacher of the Year Award, conducts his band in Toronto on Thursday. Voros is a band teacher at North York's Chaminade College School.

THE CANADIAN PRESS/Nathan Denette
Voros added that he accepted the award on behalf of music teachers across Canada.

“It’s (dedicated to) the vast fraternity of music educators who toil ceaselessly in the cause of music education for all their students and teach them a love of music and making music.”

Tragically Hip singer Gord Downie said the band was honoured to acknowledge Voros’s talents and the work of all music educators.

“It’s been said that those who can, teach – and those who can’t, join rock bands,” Downie joked.

“Alex Voros isn’t just teaching, he’s making introductions, he’s introducing you to a lifelong friend,” he told the school’s students.

“He understands (music’s) magic and beauty and believes in its power to transform and to lift up spirits … He understands it, he feels it and he’s generous about it.”

Downie said learning an instrument isn’t about becoming the best guitar player or bass player in the school, it’s about forming a connection with music.

“You really don’t have to master the instrument, you don’t have to get hung up on (if you’re) good, or blow, or suck,” he said. “Just befriend that instrument and you’ll have a friend for life.”

Voros is the fourth recipient of the MusiCounts Teacher of the Year Award. It’s sponsored by MusiCounts, the music education charity of the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.

Previous awards were handed out by the Rolling Stones, Celine Dion and Michael Buble.

The Hip Honour Teacher

From Chart Attack:

Why are The Tragically Hip presenting this year’s MusiCounts Teacher Of The Year Award? 

Whatever the reason, Chaminade College School’s music teacher Alex Voros will be lionized before leading a performance by the Toronto school’s 70-member band on Thursday morning. It takes a lot of courage not to be scared to play in front of The Hip. Maybe Voros can spaz out and do some freeform poetry about killer whale tanks. That’ll inspire students… 

MusiCounts is a charitable program launched by the Canadian Academy Of Recording Arts And Sciences (or CARAS, the organization that oversees the Juno Awards) that promotes music education in schools through music instrument grants, scholarships and other initiatives. 

CARAS inducted The Tragically Hip into the Canadian Music Hall Of Fame at the 2005 Juno Awards.

Please Support Me In The 2009 Ride To Conquer Cancer

Hello friends,

I’ll be participating in a 2-day major cycling event called The Ride to Conquer Cancer benefiting The Princess Margaret, one of the top 5 cancer research hospitals in the world.

I’ll be cycling over 200 kilometres that weekend, from Toronto to Niagara Falls, with thousands of other Riders. All the proceeds will go to The Princess Margaret to support cancer research, treatment, and services. The Princess Margaret is Canada’s leading comprehensive institution devoted to cancer research and care, and the work they’re doing is leading-edge.

I’ve agreed to raise at least $2,500, but I’ve set my personal goal to $5,000. So here’s where you come in, because I need your help to do that. Could you please consider making a donation? Use the link at the bottom of this post to go visit my webpage, and please take the time to support me. Please keep in mind the commitment I’m making to end this heartbreaking disease and the personal efforts I’ll have to make to accomplish this.

When I say “heartbreaking,” here’s what I mean: In 1987, when I was 10, my father was diagnosed with Cancer. He died three months later. Earlier this year my father-in-law lost his battle with Cancer. That’s why I’m riding. To do something BIG about cancer. I hope that you’ll share this incredible adventure with me by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.

Thank you in advance for your generosity!

My page: http://www.conquercancer.ca/goto/chrisandleah

Sincerely,

Chris

Hip drummer part of stellar band set to debut in Surrey

Tom Zillich, Surrey Now
Published: Friday, August 29, 2008
This has the makings of a stellar band, alright — and a stellar night out, if a ticket can be had.
The tiny Crescent Beach Legion hall will stage the debut of a new Canadian band that features Tragically Hip drummer Johnny Fay, Kevin Kane of the Grapes of Wrath, Steven Drake of Odds fame, veteran keyboardist Simon Kendall and acclaimed songwriter Wyckham Porteous.
The sextet, brought together by Drake and known as the Stellar Band of Neighbours, will record an album this fall and perform its first official public concert on October 4 at the South Surrey hall. Tickets ($30) go on sale Tuesday, September 2 via the Arts Council of White Rock & District (604-536-8333). The gig is part of the council’s yearly Up Close and Intimate concert series.

The Stellar Band of Neighbour’s music is a mix of songs written by all band members and boasts “soaring harmonies a la CSNY,” according to Wednesday’s concert announcement.
“The vocals are unbelievable,” Porteous told the Now, adding that studio time for the Neighbours is booked for October, following the Crescent Beach show.

© Surrey Now 2008

Nothing Really Matters

Dark drama, black comedy meet in a suicidal mind
BILL BROWNSTEIN, The Gazette

No beating about the bush for director Jean-Marc Piché – his film Nothing Really Matters opens with these sobering words: “My name is Leo. I’m 35, and I want to die. I always thought suicide was pretty cool.”

Okay, and what’s your first clue this is not a date flick? But hard as it may be to fathom, Nothing Really Matters – making its world premiere tomorrow at the Montreal World Film Festival – has its moments of loony comedy, albeit black as they come. Mostly, however, this is one dark, dark, provocative drama about the plight of a man who has been holed up in his apartment for the last two years.

Leo (played by the electrifying Yannick Bisson) has also been holed up in his bathtub for the last 14 hours and 29 minutes, a razor blade by his side, ready to end it all. Fortunately, Leo is more a yakker than a hacker, and we are spared the sight of bathwater turning blood red.

Leo is an agoraphobe, terrified of moving about in the world outside his home. Luckily, Leo can work at home, where he designs websites for companies.

Even more luckily, he has managed to hook up with a dynamite woman, Carly (the ever-enchanting Pascale Bussières), who puts up with his phobias. Or did. And hence this seemingly endless soak in the tub.

Having established his central character’s delicate mindset, Piché, who co-wrote the film with his wife, Catlin Stothers, goes back a spell to give some insight into Leo’s state. Along the way, viewers are introduced to a cavalcade of folk: Leo’s wannabe-gangster landlord (Kenneth Welsh); his best buddy, a wannabe acting star (Spike Adamson); and a burglar (Gord Downie of Tragically Hip fame, who turns out to be quite the acting find) unfortunate enough to bust into Leo’s apartment.

The crook inadvertently triggers high hilarity. After being overtaken, then bound in telephone cable by Leo, the woebegone burglar must listen to the unwell Leo lecture him with much psychobabble about criminality. This levity, while short-lived, is much appreciated, particularly as Leo becomes more and more unglued.

Given the disturbing nature of the flick, one might jump to the conclusion that Piché was raised in some dungeon and force-fed a stark diet of Ingmar Bergman descents into Hades. Hardly. Piché, who has been living in Toronto for the last 12 years, is in fact an acclaimed director of TV commercials.
Then again, perhaps it’s not a surprise that a man who won a gold medal at an advertising-film festival for his fluffy pie-crust commercials would make the leap to a feature film no one will ever call fluffy. There is likely much pent-up emotion involved in shooting spots for the likes of Chrysler, Molson and Campbell Soup – especially in the case of the latter, for which Piché had to deal with the ever-delightful Don Cherry.

But Piché credits his commercial work for providing him the discipline require to make a feature film. “There is much to be said about having to be able to tell a story in just 30 seconds – one which people will be happy to see at least 200 times.”